If a Lady's Wearin' Pantaloons

If a lady wearin' pantaloons is swingin' wit' a knife,
Must I stop an' cross-examine as to sex?_
"Air you Datto Mudd, his ownself, m'am, or air you jest his wife?
Kindly answer 'fore I reach your solar-plex!"
If a lady wearin' britches is a-hidin' in the ditches,
An' she itches fer me ears as souvenirs,
Must I arsk, afore I twists 'er, "Air you miss or air you mister?"
How shall a bashful man decide the dears?

cho: Ladies, if yer wearin' o' yer husband's pantaloons-
Mercy!_ How you makes a soldier blush!
You will have ter take the chances which is tied to husbands' pantses
Or stay at home an' make the babies hush !
We ain't no clairvoyants. lf yer wearin' pantaloons
We must take you as we find you when the guns begin their tunes
An' we cannot be caressin', though you puzzle us distressin'
When yer wearin' o' yer husband's pantaloons.

If a lady wearin' pantaloons is in a soldier jam,
An' she's tryin' mos' distinct to take yer life,
Jus' tell her that yer needed by yer own dear Uncle Sam
An' ax her pardon as you dodge her knife !
When she cuts an' jabs so sprightly, try ter speak ter her politely,
An' excuse yerself as nicely as ye can.
But ye mustn't take no chances---an' don't always jedge by pantses
'Cause ye cannot tell but wot she is a man.

Note: During the Phillipine Insurrection, women, dressed as men, fought in
the same guerilla bands as did the men. There was an U.S. Army order which
forbade firing on parties of Filipinos that contained women.
From Sound Off!, Dolph
(No tune given; I modified Tramp! Tramp! Tramp! to fit; RG)

RG