Thanks for posting your music, it sounds really professional, you are a gifted guitar player and you have a dynamic voice
Here's the criticism, I'm sorry!
The lyrics and story-telling is the weakest part of the song. You can hear one of my songs here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zwioyd2bJVc
I've got a list of general points:
1) Choruses translate better when they are simple to hear and sing.
2) Logical songwriting is less interesting. What I mean is if you try and tell a story just from memory, the chances are it will be boring.
Lateral Thinking techniques help you write from different perspectives. Read up on Edward DeBono for more info.
My bassist started talking about Alexander The Great whilst we working on lyrics. I know nothing about ATG, so there's no way I could use my bassist's perspective...
The song we were writing was about doing what you need to do, and ATG kicked a lot of ass taking over the world!
4) Write down an idea even if it's rubbish. You can then move on to the next idea. Also, sound out your lyrics to the rest of your band to see if they like it. If your band likes it, your fans will probably like it too.
5) Sometimes a lyric idea is so unlike what you've heard before. If idea's meaning is relevant to the song, You should probably use it
6) Once you have a ton of ideas out, you can start arranging them together, like jigsaw pieces. Use your intuition to judge which pieces should go where
7) Having a concrete idea for what you want to say is important, use the above techniques to find the most powerful and original way to say it.
8) Framing your story:
First verse establishes character, plot and problem (Guy wants to win).
Chorus gives the listeners something to remember the story by (I'm a Winner).
Second Verse adds more to the story (Guy is winning more).
2nd Chorus. (I'm a Winner)
Middle 8s usually have a resolution but that's the beauty of creativity and storytelling(Guy loses...)
Third and Final Chorus (I'm a Winner)
9) Do some research on memory. 'Your Brain on Music' by Daniel Levitin shows that humans remember the contour of a melody first. Make sure your lyrics fit melodies that have a memorable contour.
Visual / Sensual story telling also tends to be easier to memorize, so incorporate those ideas. A cliche would be 'Feast your eyes' or 'taste the pain'.
After writing these rules out, a song idea popped into my head: Brick Wall. Simple, Visual, and you can tell a story about over coming brick walls, a metaphor for struggle. A metaphor for being rejected by a crush? Who knows