Listening to the new Rammstein single is like getting date-rated by Bela Lugosi at a KMFDM concert, Pearl Jam gets ponderous, Alice In Chains releases an instant classic, G Love & Special Sauce are "Feelin' Alright", and more.
http://www.411mania.com/music/columns/117828

<Added>

should say "Listening to the new Rammstein single is like getting date-raped by Bela Lugosi at a KMFDM concert" not "date-rated"

Madonna brags like an old cougar flirting at a karaoke dive bar, Maria Mena turns a cheesy disco-rock song into a shmaltzy lounge act number, Melanie Fiona is yet another sultry soul crooner recycling an old hit, and Andrew Stockdale of Wolfmother teams up with Bridezilla vocalist Holiday Sidewinder to deliver a magnificent rendition of a classic Stevie Nicks song.

http://www.411mania.com/music/columns/119174

Creed's comeback single is an improvement, but unfortunately still features "Stapphonics." And Depeche Mode's main vocalist is back from the dead and contributing more than just his voice.
http://www.411mania.com/music/columns/119817

Chipmunk laments getting burnt three times by the same chick, Crooked I and Snoop kiss and make up, Jet calls Sharona a genius, and Nickelback offers more maudlin regret, hokey promises, and insincere clichés.
http://www.411mania.com/music/columns/120461

Three 6 Mafia steals from an old playground rhyme to please their record label, A Day To Remember blends several different styles into one powerful modern rock single, Charlie Mars is not a Sith Lord, and Mudvayne can't turn back the clock.
http://www.411mania.com/music/columns/121105

Owl City takes a fruity little ditty made in his mom's basement from MySpace to the top of the Hot 100, Chromeo brings back the white polyester suit, Kaci Battaglia starts a cat fight, and Senser delivers a musical fist in the face.
http://www.411mania.com/music/columns/123046

Drake teams up Lil Wayne and Young Jeezy to give the world another worthless and forgettable brag-fest, Beastie Boys team up with Nas to complain about the lack of quality emcees, David Nail gets dumped at a traffic light, and two members of Type O Negative try to sound like an evil Led Zeppelin.
http://www.411mania.com/music/columns/123529

Orianthi is a PYT who sounds like a mix of Avril Lavigne and Steve Vai, Katatonia releases another incredible goth metal single, Lee Harvey Osmond combines blues, folk, rock, and jazz to make acid folk, and NOFX harasses a lesbian.
http://bit.ly/7Y35p0

Kesha offers a forgettable club jam about partying with no money, Peter Kay creates a "band" using claymation and cartoon figures to raise money charity, and former The Darkness singer Justin Hawkins is still a corny cock rock anachronism.
http://bit.ly/6bL8Ar

From Alice In Chains, 10 Years and Katatonia to Eminem, Tech N9ne and the Beastie Boys, Mark Ingoldsby, the sometimes humorous, always heartless guitarist of A Simple Complex, lists the 50 best songs to pound his eardrums in 2009. Full audio of each song included.
http://bit.ly/6MLqRQ

From U2 and Moby, to Nickelback and Seether, then over to Drake, Lil Wayne and the entire Young Money crew, come laugh at 50 of 2009's worst songs with the sometimes humorous, always heartless guitarist from the rock band A Simple Complex.

here's a sample...

#50. Owl City – Fireflies

Owl City's "Fireflies" is fruitier than a gift basket from Edible Arrangements. Personally, I'd rather have fireflies shoot out of my ass than hear it again. If you're not wearing sparkly makeup and putting unicorn stickers all over your Hannah Montana diary, and you like this song, it's time to face up to certain realities. You're about 2 years away from watching Twilight in a Snuggie® with another man. Are Owl boy's fifteen minutes up yet? Is it safe to take the earplugs out?

Honors:
Worst Song Released In 2009 To Hit #1 On The Hot 100
Voted Most Likely To Die From Hurt Feelings
Twee squared

PART ONE: http://bit.ly/8ZYINS
PART TWO: http://bit.ly/6SajiX